Taylor Swift.

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

--Taylor Swift "Back to December" lyrics

Sigh. Last night was a rough night. And now I feel like a monstrosity of a person.

Because it was all my fault.

Passenger side, I didn't say a thing. And my mind was bursting with things to say.

"I'm sorry I'm acting like this." would have been the most frequent.

But I didn't.

I sat there, body language emitting signals of 'talk-and-die', which you picked up on.

And all I wanted to do was lean over and kiss you.

And I didn't.

I wanted to tell you how excited I was for the next day-

that I finally felt like I was ready to hear from the missionaries

and that I was so happy you were going to be there.

I didn't.

You took me home, I threw my bag inside.

Furious with myself for making you think I hated you.

So many unsaid things I tried to put into that embrace.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

And I think all you got out of it was "Goodbye."

I went inside and cried all night.

You think I want things to move faster than you do.

Truth: I'm scared that things are moving too fast as well. But you and I both know that neither of us would let them. I don't think that ending things is the right decision though. I am just terrible at telling people how I feel. And sometimes I come on a little strong. This is where you and I are different. But that's something I really like about you. In no way do I want things to go faster than they have been going. But I guess we'll never know now.

You think you aren't ready to date.

Truth: I can't tell you the truth, because only you will truly know. However, if I had to say anything on the subject, I'd tell you that dating anyone anytime is scary, especially with everything you have gone through. No one is ever ready for anything. But you go through it anyway. Because you aren't doing it alone, love.

You feel like it is reminding you of life with her.

Truth: I'm not her, nor will I ever be. I know why last night reminded you of it, though. And I don't think I can say "I'm sorry." enough for it. Fact of the matter, we are different in so many ways. I love how you care so much for everyone in your life, and I love how close you are to your family. I'm so sorry that you feel this way, though. It's like a knife to the heart, having heard everything you've told me about her.

You think we should take a break.

Truth: I don't want to. And I think you want to because you are afraid of how things have been going- so very smoothly until last night. But it was nothing to do with you. And yet, it had everything to do with you. You think that nothing you do can make me happy, but you are so wrong. I wish I would have told you that. I told you that you hurt my feelings. You did. But I could tell I hurt you so much more with my silence. I don't want you to be fearful of dating. Especially dating me.

Life is an emotional roller coaster.

You take things as they come, the good and bad. You can't hide from problems that come up- you face them head on and you work through them. Because for all those bad moments, there are so many more good ones that come before and after. I don't want you to be afraid because you think you aren't ready.

No one is.

Even I'm not.

But I'm willing to jump, then fall in this case.

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together

Every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine for you
Whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall


Well, I like the way your hair falls in your face
You got the keys to me I love each freckle on your face, oh,
I've never been so wrapped up,
Honey, I like the way you're everything I've ever wanted

I had time to think it oh-over and all I can say is come closer,
Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me

Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you
Whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall


The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet
I'll catch you, I'll catch you
When people say things that bring you to your knees,
I'll catch you
The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry
But I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Whoa oh I need you baby
Don't be afraid please
jump then fall, jump then fall into me


Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna through it all so jump then fall

Jump then fall baby
Jump then fall into me, into me

Every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine
And every time you're here Baby, I'll show you, I'll show you
you can jump then fall, jump then fall, jump then fall into me, into me

--Taylor Swift "Jump then Fall" lyrics

*Worst part about this post? You will probably never see it.