Taylor Swift.

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

--Taylor Swift "Back to December" lyrics

Sigh. Last night was a rough night. And now I feel like a monstrosity of a person.

Because it was all my fault.

Passenger side, I didn't say a thing. And my mind was bursting with things to say.

"I'm sorry I'm acting like this." would have been the most frequent.

But I didn't.

I sat there, body language emitting signals of 'talk-and-die', which you picked up on.

And all I wanted to do was lean over and kiss you.

And I didn't.

I wanted to tell you how excited I was for the next day-

that I finally felt like I was ready to hear from the missionaries

and that I was so happy you were going to be there.

I didn't.

You took me home, I threw my bag inside.

Furious with myself for making you think I hated you.

So many unsaid things I tried to put into that embrace.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

And I think all you got out of it was "Goodbye."

I went inside and cried all night.

You think I want things to move faster than you do.

Truth: I'm scared that things are moving too fast as well. But you and I both know that neither of us would let them. I don't think that ending things is the right decision though. I am just terrible at telling people how I feel. And sometimes I come on a little strong. This is where you and I are different. But that's something I really like about you. In no way do I want things to go faster than they have been going. But I guess we'll never know now.

You think you aren't ready to date.

Truth: I can't tell you the truth, because only you will truly know. However, if I had to say anything on the subject, I'd tell you that dating anyone anytime is scary, especially with everything you have gone through. No one is ever ready for anything. But you go through it anyway. Because you aren't doing it alone, love.

You feel like it is reminding you of life with her.

Truth: I'm not her, nor will I ever be. I know why last night reminded you of it, though. And I don't think I can say "I'm sorry." enough for it. Fact of the matter, we are different in so many ways. I love how you care so much for everyone in your life, and I love how close you are to your family. I'm so sorry that you feel this way, though. It's like a knife to the heart, having heard everything you've told me about her.

You think we should take a break.

Truth: I don't want to. And I think you want to because you are afraid of how things have been going- so very smoothly until last night. But it was nothing to do with you. And yet, it had everything to do with you. You think that nothing you do can make me happy, but you are so wrong. I wish I would have told you that. I told you that you hurt my feelings. You did. But I could tell I hurt you so much more with my silence. I don't want you to be fearful of dating. Especially dating me.

Life is an emotional roller coaster.

You take things as they come, the good and bad. You can't hide from problems that come up- you face them head on and you work through them. Because for all those bad moments, there are so many more good ones that come before and after. I don't want you to be afraid because you think you aren't ready.

No one is.

Even I'm not.

But I'm willing to jump, then fall in this case.

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together

Every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine for you
Whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall


Well, I like the way your hair falls in your face
You got the keys to me I love each freckle on your face, oh,
I've never been so wrapped up,
Honey, I like the way you're everything I've ever wanted

I had time to think it oh-over and all I can say is come closer,
Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me

Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you
Whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall


The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet
I'll catch you, I'll catch you
When people say things that bring you to your knees,
I'll catch you
The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry
But I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Whoa oh I need you baby
Don't be afraid please
jump then fall, jump then fall into me


Baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna through it all so jump then fall

Jump then fall baby
Jump then fall into me, into me

Every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine
And every time you're here Baby, I'll show you, I'll show you
you can jump then fall, jump then fall, jump then fall into me, into me

--Taylor Swift "Jump then Fall" lyrics

*Worst part about this post? You will probably never see it.

Things I Must Do

Definitely the ice cream one.

Angry Blog Post #1

Pretty sure I just failed my math final.

I'M SO ANGRY.

My test scores in that class have been very high.
I show up.
I work hard.
I am ALWAYS doing math homework.
I studied all day yesterday.
ALL DAY.

I was up until two thirty in the am.
I went to the review sessions.
I printed out and DID BOTH REVIEWS.
We reviewed in class.
I emailed her questions.

I felt prepared.


UNTIL.

I get the final.
It's purple.
AND NONE OF IT IS ANYTHING WE STUDIED.
One hundred points worth of problems: inadequately answered.
I stared at the paper for 2 hours.
TWO HOURS.

SO ANGRY.

Dear You,

I got your letter.
I started to write back.
And then cried for about twenty minutes as I listened to each song.
I don't think I'll ever be able to watch Prince Caspian.

I miss you.

Cozy Socks & Cocoa

Yes, this is how I am choosing to spend my Monday night.

I have on my thickest pair of socks (which are amazing, I recommend everyone buying some ultra thick socks), paired with Seth's pants he lent me yesterday because my clothes smelled like Sears. I dug an old long-sleeved shirt out of the closet and threw my jacket on top, then zipped it all the way to my neck and flipped up the hood. If I had gloves that allowed my fingers to retain typing abilities, I would be wearing those too. Also, if I had a Snuggie, that would be over the top of everything. Snuggies are awesome.

I put my blanket over the one heater vent in my room, so all the warm air that comes through it goes directly to where it is needed most- me. In hindsight, this probably wasn't the smartest idea, seeing as now the rest of my room is positively frigid...but it sure is cozy in here. Cocoa mug? On the left, staring at me as I type. And yes, it actually is staring at me. (It's a snowman, you see.) I feel very content. And yet, somewhat guilty.

This is how I should be spending my Monday night:

-Attempting to clean The Abyss, which until this point has been doing rather well. According to me, at least. Others disagree. However, there is no arguing that it could stand to do with some general sprucing up. Maybe I will put up a Christmas tree.

-Homework of some sort. There is quite the selection to choose from. Sometimes it's almost too hard to decide what I want to do.... Right. End of semester draws near and I still can't escape that haunting feeling I am forgetting some big assignment or something of that nature. Or maybe it's a premonition (Flashback: Ms. Adams class?).

-Organizing my dance supplies. Concert is this week and I need to find all my fake things: fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake tan, etc. I keep putting off tanning in the hopes that it will do itself. It won't. I just don't want to smell like tanner. It makes me slightly nauseated. And orange.

Instead, I am snuggled up in my heater blanket, wishing I was snuggled up next to my boyfriend, sipping cocoa and typing away on a blog that I have neglected for the past two weeks. It has been busy, but I always feel better after I pound out some thoughts on this keyboard. I promise there will be more to come this week- I fear for my sanity if I don't.

I am....

wonderfully

blissfully

delightfully

supremely

astonishingly

splendidly

magnificently

superbly

gloriously

brilliantly

completely

utterlyandtotally

happy.

Long Term.

Sigh. After a tiring day recovering from my sudden illness and work at Sears, I returned home to find my mother in bed. Jokingly, I climbed beneath the covers and snuggled up to her, asking her creepily if she'd like someone to spoon with. To my surprise, she replied "No, that's why your father sleeps on the couch".

"But after twenty years, don't you still want to spoon and snuggle?" I asked innocently.

"I just end up kicking and poking him until he moves anyway. It's really not all that great" She replied.

It may sound odd, but part of me was disappointed in discovering how my mother felt. It made me start thinking about all the things I would want in my husband and our relationship after twenty years. Because even after that long with someone, I still want to feel madly in love with them.

I want to be able to crawl into bed and snuggle with my husband. I think that is probably going to be my favorite part of being married. I love to cuddle. And to be able to have that same kind of affection for each other after who knows how many years is important to me. I want to be able to snuggle with my husband like we just got married, even if fifty years has passed. I also want to be able to come home and know that it's OUR house, and if I want to walk around in my underwear, I totally can. (And yes, I actually do that) I want to decorate my house for Halloween and Christmas, and curl up by the fire and sip cocoa and do married people things. Like shop for placemats for the dining room table, or pick out paint colors for our bedroom. I want to be as excited to see him everyday as I was in the beginning stages of our relationship. I never want to lose the feelings from the beginning- all the butterflies and anticipation should still be there for years to come. I never want to be bored. I want to be madly in love forever.

I feel like it sounds like a dream, what I'm hoping for. But isn't that what love is supposed to be?

Yum.

What's the best thing about baking during the fall and winter?

You can set the pan outside to cool.

Seriously, though.

'nuff said.

DearElder.com

WHY am I having the hardest time with this?

You just sit down and WRITE A LETTER.

Takes about 5 seconds.

And I CAN'T.

Do I not know what to say?

That's a lame excuse.

Of course I know what to say.

I just lack the capacity to write a simple letter, that's all.

Dear James, Collin, Doug, Nefi, Sterling, Tanner, Cassidy and Mitchell

No, I haven't forgotten you.

Yes, I do miss you all quite terribly. And in very different ways.

I promise I will write soon.

And do a better job at keeping up with my correspondence.

Sincerely,

A very slacker-ish Meliosa/Melissa/Special Case

23

Wait, what?

I find myself saying that a lot lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm always too tired to fully pay attention to anything anyone is saying the first time. Or maybe it's because the things people are saying lately are hard to believe or completely off base. It might be a healthy mixture of both.

Things these days are a bit hectic. Sears is slowly sucking my soul like a dementor's kiss, and I feel like pulling a Weasley and riding my broomstick off into the sunset and leaving school behind forever. My days seem to only get longer, and there certainly aren't enough hours to do everything that needs to be done. Also, my procrastination has gotten worse. I'll finally find some time to do things I've been needing to do, and I'll just sit on the couch and find ways to distract myself (like I did today.)

Also, things inside my head are more than hectic. What with attempting to figure out my love life (or lack thereof), feelings for certain people are getting twisted and tangled into feelings I have had for a while for others. This is certainly not good. I am positive nothing good can come from this. I need to focus on now, and not what has been or what could be, particularly the latter. I can't keep thinking about the unknown. And I think that's what's bothering me the most: the fact that it IS the unknown. I'm a very curious person. I need to know certain things. And this is one thing I am certain I must know. But why am I so hung up on it? There has to be a reason, but I guess only time will tell.

Sigh. Enough rambling for one day. This blog post is too cryptic anyhow for anyone but myself to enjoy.

It Must Be True.

WHAT I SEE:

WHAT CUSTOMERS SEE:

[Really, though. There's no other explanation for it.]

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.

(Excellent book, by the way.)

Yesterday, Angela and I took a field trip to Amelia Earhart Elementary. Waaay out in Texas. :] Anywho, she had to teach the third through sixth graders to ballroom dance, and I tagged along.

As we were driving, I was recounting stories of my childhood to her. We passed by pumpkins, while I exclaimed "PUMPKINS!!" and caused her to swerve into oncoming traffic, debated whether or not watching a movie in a corn field would sufficiently scare us, and how south Provo means 'by the rail road tracks'.

And then it hit me.

Mr. Z totally switched schools. He teaches at Amelia Earhart now!

Ask Angie, I was positively giddy!

I practically skipped down the hall searching for the bulletin board I knew would be covered in sign language. I was in luck- I found it without forgetting where I was (An accomplishment, as we all know...) I cannot tell you how excited I was to talk to Z again.

[Me, in 4th grade. Yeah, I know.]

Z was my fourth grade teacher, and honestly the best teacher I've ever had. I can't remember the last time I was actually excited to go to school. I learned SO much in that class, and I'm pretty sure a lot of it was probably things he wasn't intending to teach. Fourth grade was when I fell in love with school. He's a big part of the reason I'm so interested in going into elementary education. I've heard that 4th grade can be your most influential year in school, and what kind of teacher you have can help define your path for later education. Many who have had substandard teachers grow to dislike school and fall behind. It's a great thing, then, that I had a teacher who loved what he did and did it well. Looking back on fourth grade, I can honestly say it could not have been greater.

Five great things about Mr. Z's class:

1. Calvin and Hobbes- I own every one ever published now, I think. Calvin is such a quick witted, smart mouthed six year old. I would have definitely been slapped if I said half the things he says. And Hobbes is just so fuzzy.

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time. "

One of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes quotes.

2. Australia- Now, I can't wait to go to Australia in May. But in fourth grade? Australia was a dreaded destination. Going to Australia meant you had failed epically in life. Whenever you were being obnoxious or misbehaving, Z would tell you to 'Go to Australia'. You'd walk back to a desk by the door with a laminated map of Australia covering the surface. And sit there. And everyone knew you were being punished...

3. Bill Peet/Great Inventions/Unsolved Mysteries Presentations- Where I learned that Jared made the best Kweek of Kookatumdee and we had mad skills for making bird costumes out of colored paper, the Q-tip was made by a Frenchman and salt clay will NOT dry if you paint over it with flesh colored acrylic paint, and the Nazca lines could be practically anything if you have a convincing enough explanation for the phenomenon.

4. In-Z-News- Did your fourth grade class have its own newspaper? Did you write your own articles and format them on the computer like a REAL journalist? Did it contain awesomeness such as a joke column, recipies from classmates (or rather, classmates' mothers), spotlights on students and teachers, and other various tidbits of elementary school shenanagins? Did you have your own press badge?! I think not.

However, I did. Ten points for Gryffindor.

5. Foot Hall of Fame- For my inner book-nerd. Okay, so my book-nerd isn't so inner, it's more blatantly obvious. However. I achieved this status many times, because I was such an awesome kid. Requirements? Measure your foot. However tall it is in inches? That's how many inches of books you need to read. Not books. Inches of books. Who thinks of that? Mr. Z does. And that's why fourth grade rocked. (Note the picture above: I was the FIRST in my class to reach the Foot Hall of Fame. Also, I still have my footprint. No, I'm not lame.)

There are so many more great things about fourth grade: the Survival Manual, Bonus Bucks, Stanley, I can't remember what it was called but we put dimes in it and it gave us tasks in little plastic containers when we were done with our work, the time Z flipped and threw multiplication practice sheets everywhere and left the room, being best friends with Randy, Taylor, Tayt, Shaun and all the other boys in class, hating Anne of Green Gables with the firey passion of a thousand suns, listening to Z read to us with amazing voice, Time for Andrew, Market Day, getting a book on your birthday, learning sign language, Wolffy, tye-dying t-shirts for field trips, singing along to the acoustic stylings of our teacher while he secretly recorded us and burned a CD for us all at the end of the year, Chunk-a-Poo cookies, Star Wars, vocab posters, Expedition Red Rock (and for me, Mountainquest as well), and earning the bragging rights to be able to say: yeah, I'm in Mr. Z's class.

Can you all tell how much I loved fourth grade?

I surely hope so.

All of this combined into one big happy pot of nostalgic soup is what makes me want to teach. I remember waking up excited to go to school every day. I remember wanting to do all my homework and even more, wanting to stay at school and find things to do, wanting to learn. School was the bee's knees, in my opinion. And I want to make that the case for other kids, just like Z did for me.

So thanks, Mr. Z, for being the most interesting, influential, insane, and nearly every other i-adjective I can think of teacher.

P.S. I'm not nearly as technology savvy as he is, but if you'd like to blog stalk him, the URL is teachinfourth.blogspot.com I highly recommend you check it out.

Also,

I miss him.

The Procrastinator

Feel like that should be my new name.
It's something I've always done.

I have a ton of homework...
I procrastinate till the last minute....
It happens.

You really think I'd get smarter, right?
Wrong.
Current checklist:
(all items are UNchecked.)

*psych reading (crossing my fingers there isn't a KC tomorrow.)
*math HW (dividing polynomials will be the death of me.)
*samba history handout (whoops.)


AHHHH.
(Insert frustrated noises here.)

Is there a cure for this terrible disease?
Cause I definitely need it.

Gross.

Saw it passing by the vending machines at school. Had to control my gag reflex. Sick.

Missed Monday

Baby Gurrrrl has issued a challenge:
Blog every day this week.

So easy.

But I didn't see the post until today.

So I'm making up for it by having TWO posts today.
Tuesday.
Which is the day.

It's also my dad's birthday!!
(Which means I get cake tonight. Alllllright.)
He's 47, which makes me feel pretty young.
I guess that's because I am, but still.

I technically SHOULD be doing homework.
After all, a paper on the history of the Samba
isn't going to write itself.
(Although I wish it would...)
Also, polynomial functions need to be done.
They, however can feel free to play in traffic.
I don't much care for them at all.

Or I should be practicing my dancing.
We all know I need to.
I'm just so tired.
I'd like nothing better to just curl up
on this couch
and
sleep...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


But I can't.
Who knows what I'd do or say.
And I am in public, after all.

College, much?

It's official. I am a 100% college student- green, geared up and ready to go into the unknown of Utah Valley University.

GAH.

Is that slightly unnerving to anyone else? I never thought that I would be here. And yet, here I sit, blogging away in the confines of the library, stalking the mass of cute boys that walk by. (And oh yes, they are cute.) The second day of college is almost the same as the first:
-I haven't seen the same person twice as I fight my way through the halls lined with people who stare at you as you walk by. It's like they've never seen a hallway before, geez.
-My classes aren't stressful...yet. Just going over the syllabus. Which is normal for the first day of any college class I suppose.
-I feel very quiet. But maybe that's because when I go to talk my voice rattles and rasps like an aged smoker. Curse you, allergies.

My first day, though, was fantastic. Wednesday. 9:00am PSYC 1010. That's General Psychology, for those who don't know. There are sixty kids (adults....yikes.) in my class, and my teacher seems bomb.com- not bad looking as well. Probably married like EVERYONE else though. Anywho. I sat next to this girl named Melanie Smith, and she's pretty tight. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and were also asked to "say something interesting about ourselves or our lives". One girl proceeds to say "....My name is blankety blank-blank, I don't know which last name you have, but it's probably the first one. Uhm....I got married about a month ago....and nothing is really interesting about me. My life is pretty bleak." I seriously laughed out loud, and so did most of my class. It's like, hello?? You got MARRIED?? That's pretty interesting. But this kid a few people later goes: "Well, I get married in about a month and a half, and it's good to know it's bleak." Soon after, Melanie gets her turn to introduce herself and says: "I'm Melanie Smith, and I just got married about a week ago, and it's AWESOME!" Cracks me up. And then. There's this guy, and I've been staring at him the entire forty minutes we've been in class thinking 'how do I know him??', and variations of 'wow, he's a fox'. (Yes, I've been known to ogle boys. It happens.) And then he introduces himself very last. Turns out he's the older brother of this kid who was in my English class last year that I also thought was unbearably attractive. Small world, eh? Anywho, I was not about to make that announcement out loud to the entire class, especially him, so I settled for whispering my secret to Melanie on my right. And now, I just laugh about it in my head. Hahaha. Baby Girl also took pity on poor Gus and helped me figure out how to rent my Psychology textbook, which was ridiculously priced, stupid 2010 brand spankin' new edition that you can't buy used... And my bus pass, along with teaching me how to get on the right buses so I can go to school. Bus pass pride!!

Long story short, I love college.

This will probably change, as pointed out to me by many of my friends who have already taken their first year, but for now, I'm excited. I'm excited to buy my textbooks that cost an arm, a leg, and my first born child. I'm thrilled to crack them open and study until my eyes fall out. I can't wait to turn in assignments and be a student again. Summer has been great, but since it's over I'm looking to the fall with a different attitude: a scholarly attitude. Who knows, maybe it'll pay off when I'm taking those December finals.

This Weekend?

That was me ALL WEEKEND.


Sometimes you just aren't that much entertainment for yourself.
Anyone else feel lonely sometimes? I'm so glad to have my friends back. :]

Under Construction.

Yes. My blog is currently under construction. Why, you ask?

Because one must never be satisfied!!!!




No. It's actually just because I'm incredibly bored and figured, hey, why not play around a bit? But I put this up as a disclaimer so you don't take a look and say to yourself: "Now that just doesn't look right..."

I'm working on it.

And Cats.

[This is in response to Bennett's last post titled: Boooooooooooots....]*

SYTYCD.

Season favorites?





[kent.]

age: 18
hometown: Wapakoneta, OH

current stats: the cutest personality EVER. and a total babe.

[robert.]

age: 19
hometown: Thousand Oaks, CA

current stats: amazing contemporary dancer & shirt twin.

All time favorite?

[neil.]

age: 23

hometown: Clarence Center, NY

current stats: AMAZING. and such a fox. ahhhhh.

Two Years.

See you in two, James. Miss you already.

Ten Things.

Here are the top ten things running through my mind right now.

And my pajamas still don't match.

Snickerdoodles

I have been making these for people over the past two days, and I've become slightly addicted in the process. It's just cinnamon and sugar, right? How strong of a pull is that?! I can resist, right???!? Sadly, no. But for the moment I am being forced to, because I used up all the cream of tartar...





Sears

How hard is it to hang clothes properly back onto the hanger after you finish trying them on? How, I ask you!! The amount of ridiculously lazy people I have to deal with on a daily basis amazes me. Almost as much as the amount of incredibly stupid people. They are a close second.






Facebook

More importantly, Facebook stalking. It's not unhealthy. I'm not obsessed.

Wedding Colors

Disclaimer: NO. I am not getting married. And why is everyone so concerned about it anyway? I'm still a teenager for crying out loud. I'm still preoccupied with being selfish and Facebook stalking my current love interest.

But. Recently my friends and I have been talking about our wedding colors. This is one of mine, along with the classic black and white. I'm thinking silver accents. And I know, a Gryffindor with Slytherin wedding colors? Tragic. But I do

rather like them.

Bajio

Why, oh why did Marlyn have to sneak away from work and buy Bajio without telling me? I had to spend my lunch in the break room eating two month old strawberry pop tarts and an orange pineapple drink. I did get to talk to Jess about boys, so that was fun. But Bajio, man!!! Ah. I want Mexican food terribly. Cravings....

Letters

From Mexico that NEVER COME. Although I guess I'm being silly, because there might not be any. Getting my hopes up I suppose. But also thinking about the letters I must answer that I received this week and the letters that I will send to those I haven't sent off yet. Boo. In one way, I love letters. But it also means someone is leaving. And to that, all I have to say is 'Booooooooo.'

Spider Bite

On my ribcage. It hurrrts. And I know it's a spider bite because it looks funny and I researched it via the internet. Also, I killed the culprit earlier today. I would have found a picture of the spider that did it, but I just couldn't bring myself to search 'spiders' on Google images. My arachnophobia wouldn't let me.

Feet

I also don't know how my mind let me search 'feet' on Google images. But I do know that some people have some pretty ugly feet. Ugh. I hate feet. And I'm a dancer. I hate the things that make it possible for me to do the thing I love. Isn't that how it goes, though? Anyway, I was just thinking how much I'd like to have nice looking feet. But they are marred with dance wounds from years past and those yet to come. It will never happen.

Hair

And why I ever let myself cut it. Worst decision ever.

Love



What is it?
When will it find me?

Give Thanks.

It's been a while. But I'm back.

And with so many things on my mind.

Tonight, whilst I sit here in my clashing pink T and blue basketball shorts,
I've decided it's time to give thanks.

what does that even mean?

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of 'thankful' is:

thank-ful [thangk-fuhl]

-adjective

feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

When you look at it like that, there are a lot of times where you feel thankful for something. Or you should. Often times, I am thankful for many things, but seldom do I ever express it. It is time to change that. Here are some things I would like to give thanks for.

BABY GURRRRL

[a.k.a. Heatherlynn Peterson]

I am so thankful for this girl. We actually met when we were very little through dance. Even though we don't remember each other. But she is absolutely amazing. I am thankful for:

-our late night heart to hearts in my drive way, which always leave me feeling so much better no matter how sour my mood was before.

-that noise she can make that no one else can! It's especially great when I lose her or vice versa. Comes in very handy.

-the fact that she will drive me places. Even when she doesn't have the gas to do it. And I feel like a huge schmuck every time I have to text the words "Baby gurrrrl, I need a favor...", but she does it without complaining.

-her opinion on anything. She is the most non judgemental person I know. Completely supportive and accepting of anything and everything you want to do, even if it seems impossible. She gives great advice and I am so thankful I have her to help me sort out lifes many problems.

-her knowledge. Whether it's about school or boys or life, she is brilliant. And you'd have to be brilliant for me to let you poke me with a needle. Even though I cried about it the whole time.

-this picture. Even though she hates it. :] Sorry baby gurrrrl. But it's possibly one of my favorites. I am so thankful that we have become such great friends and we can act like this together.

ALASKA
[a.k.a. Eric Perry]

This kid is great. And I mean really great. Seven years of school together, three different schools and some great memories during the process. In the case of Eric, I am thankful for:


-"ALASKA!!!!!" This word will continue to put a smile on my face well into my sixties. Probably even longer than that. I'm also glad that no matter where I am (i.e. church, school, any public place) I will yell this out whenever I see anything that has to do with the state. Someday, I will go there.


-science class memories with Mrs. Moon, Mr. Gardner, and Ms. Bigney. And all those sarcasticly mean e-mails that were sent back and forth between 'hotdogzrock' and 'purpleeric'.


-the fact that we could talk about anything and everything. Anakin and her braid, when everyone on team practically hated my guts, boys, girls, life in general. He was more than just my partner. He was one of my best friends.


-memories like: right shoulders are mortal enemies!! BOOOOOOOOO!!!! our swan open costume, every dysfunctional lesson we ever had ever, that time he almost ran me into the mirror on purpose, when we were tied together, and giving him his moustache when he was Zorro.



-learning that you don't have to win to feel like a winner. I can't count the number of times we didn't place. But that didn't matter. We always left the dance floor knowing we tried and danced our best, and we had fun while doing it. It didn't matter to us that we weren't the best. What mattered is that we had the Best Standard Partnership Ever. And to me, that is most definetely something to be thankful for.





JACKIE
[a.k.a. Jensen Astle]

So. Much. Fun. I love this girl. Even though 'she's not that great.'
There are a lot of things I am thankful for when it comes to Jackie.


-Ms. Adams english class. I don't think I would have had the motivation to go unless it was for Jensen. She convinced Ms. Adams I was either pregnant or had cancer. Pretty sure she believed both at one point. And she B.S'd the entire personal narrative. And got away with it.


-the fact that we can talk about ANYTHING. And when I say that, I mean it.


-sharing important moments in our lives. School, work, dance. We love to be able to share these important things with each other and have them mean something to one another.


-the fact that she'll call me and tell me that she signed me up for orientation with her. Just so we didn't have to do college alone.


-waking up to picture messages that are both random and hilarious. Today's, for instance? A picture in a coloring book of Jack and Gus Gus.

-how much I missed her when she went to California. It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm also thankful for the fact that we called each other practically every day, and the shenanigans continued even though she was gone. How DO dinosaurs make babies?!?


-her and I becoming the friends that we are today. I didn't think Jensen and I would ever be this close. Sometimes our personalities clash. But I'm so glad that we are great friends. I love having her in my life and I am thankful for everything she means to me.

JAAAAMES...

[a.k.a. James Bounous]

Sigh. Yes. As much as I hate to admit it, I am indeed thankful for this kid. Deep, deep deeeeeep down. And for those of you who know me, you know just how much I hate to admit it. But there are reasons for this:

-the fact that he what I consider one of my best guy friends. Even when he yells at me to make him a sandwich. Which I refuse to ever do.

-his constant ability to make me laugh. Even when I don't want to. And continue to laugh until I snort. And then he keeps going.

-texting conversations from way back when, when I first met him.

-the fact that he is always such a gentleman. Having grown up with all sisters, he definetely knows a thing or two about girls and how to treat them. Although I still don't know where he picked up the sandwich thing.

-he's always telling me to calm down. Sometimes we are such polar opposites that we just don't get what the other person is saying. And I have been told many times, especially by him, that I'm an angry person. But in an odd way, I'm thankful for that. It makes me realize when I'm overreacting and just being dramatic. Still doesn't stop me from hitting him, though.

-his talent. He is definetely a jack of all trades when it comes to performing, and I've always been amazed with anything he does.

-our sarcastic relationship. I don't think I've ever been a meaner person to someone I actually like. I'm incredibly rude to him 90% of the time. But that's fine, because he's rude right back. Between the fat pictures of me and unflattering ones he's put on Facebook, all the times he's told me to peel him a grape, and me telling him I hate him, you would never be able to tell that I care about this kid a lot. He certainly wouldn't be able to. And I am most definetely thankful for that.

-all the time I've gotten to spend with him. I'm so thankful for this, because two years is a long time, and so much can change. He is honestly one person I am so glad I met, because my life would definetely not be the same without him. Russia better not destroy him. That's my job.

BENNETT
[a.k.a. Nicole Evensen]


There are so many things to be thankful for with Nicole. We met my junior year on ballroom, and became the best of friends. Even through all the crap that I put her through, somehow we've still managed to keep that friendship. Since I know you're stalking my blog right now, Nicole, I'm thankful for:


-late night ventings in Kronk. There were so many times I probably would have exploded internally if it weren't for you.


-the fact that you, like Heather, will drive me anywhere I need to go. That is something you shouldn't have to do, but you do it anyway. And I am so thankful for that. Someday soon, it will be me driving you everywhere your heart desires.


-this picture of us, because it describes our exact relationship. Also that time where we took a million and fifty pictures of us on your Macbook, because those are and will always be priceless.


-your amazing talent as a dancer. Watching you dance and practice with Zach shows a level of dedication and committment most only dream of. It's inspiring to me, if I ever get a partner of my own.


-the fact that you and Ryan have finally worked everything out, and you've found someone you truly care about. I'm thankful for that because if there was ever anyone who deserved to be happy, it's you.


-late night food/Wal-mart/E-6000 runs.


-the fact that we can talk about basically nonsense and yet it is still important somehow.


-all the times you came and rescued me from my house when things started to fall apart. You will never know how truly thankful I am for those times. You were something strong to lean on when everything else around me was falling it felt like. And you never once complained even though I know I'm a pain to live with and I have a huge attitude. You let me sleep on your floor and use your things and for that, and your friendship, I am eternally grateful.


-even though you and I have had some pretty bad falling outs, we've still managed to be friends. I'm so thankful for that, because you are honestly one of the most important people in my life right now. And I'm thankful that you stalk my blog because it means you care. :] You too, Heather.

There are so many other people that I am thankful for:

Collin: for always being there for me to talk to, although it's gotten terribly difficult with him in Mexico, and for opening some of the doors for me on my path to joining the church. I am so thankful for him.



The Wakefields: because without them I wouldn't have found my passion for ballroom dance and I most definetely would have lost my mind my senior year of high school. They are two people I am so fortunate to have become close to in my life.



Nanette: for being the friend that I don't talk to very often and don't see as much, but I still love with all my heart. She is great to talk to about ANYTHING, and I regret not becoming better friends with her sooner. I am thankful we have become friends now.



My family: because if it wasn't for them, people would REALLY think I'm crazy. And besides, no matter how much we have to go through, we can all deal with it together, and I'm thankful for that. No one should have to go it alone.



Nate Warner: without whom, I would not have graduated high school. I am immensely thankful for this man. Even though I now owe him- cupcakes for life, invitations to my baptism and wedding, and my first born child.



My Sears family: they make life at work bearable. E'lyse (for being such an amazing woman), Joe (my human punching bag), Bentley (provides hours of entertainment and beard-mocking opportunities), Mitchell (when he was there), Kayla (because she is the coolest boss EVER.), Jessica (because we can dish about life, love and everything in between and I love her!) and everyone else there who isn't annoying or an escaped convict.



All the friends I haven't mentioned: for being the most amazing people I could know.



and



All the friends I haven't met yet: for being out there waiting for me.

There are so many things to be thankful for in life. These are just a few people that I feel deserve to be recognized.

I love you guys.

pizza party for one, please.

that's me, party of one.
and oh geez, do i love pizza. and what with little ceasars right up the street, you can't help but eat it all the time. silly goose.
i'm probably going to gain like fifty pounds from all this pizza.

so i'm just stalking blogs, a hobby i've taken up from my good friend heather (baby gurrrrrrrrl, hey i know you're reading this.) probably one of the only ones besides jackie and bennett. and by the way, i love how we all have these ridiculous nicknames. it makes me feel so good about life. i've actually taken to introducing myself as: 'melissa, but you can call me whatever you want', because i can't remember my actual name sometimes. anyway, huge tangent. BUT. i was blog stalking and realized i hadn't posted in a while. so sorry if i angered your blog demons.

life has been absolutely wonderful lately. i made the tour team for UVU ballroom, and it's so great. i love all the people i've gotten to know so far, and i'm not a complete loser as far as standard medley goes, thank goodness! and it's always great when you throw old emotions into the mix...gah. and it's not that i still like him or anything it's just that it's weird to go to practice every day and greet the guy you first kissed bright and early. suuuuper. and i'm going to russia. me. miss never-been-further-east-than-vernal-and-further-west-than-california is leaving the country. i shall bring back many gifts, and according to brittney lose at least five pounds for being such a picky eater. bahaha.

i miss alaska terribly. more and more each day i go to practice and dance with others. don't get me wrong, they are AMAZING. like, legit i'm in awe at some of the talent i get to share the floor with each morning. but they've all got partners. and then there's me. the partnerless wonder. and team alaska was just so great. we had fun and loved standard. but man, i miss my partner. and i feel like a creeper just going up to random guys and being like: hey, you dance good. dance with me? it's like asking a guy out. sometimes i seriously think ballroom partnerships are a little bit like a marriage. some want to committ, some want to just take it easy, some aren't even sure what they want. and if things don't work out, then it's the other person's fault and you're probably thinking about dropping them for casey treu anyhow. but i just gotta find me a partner. oh and i figured out exactly how i want to alter my dress into a new dress for smooth, when i finally find a partner, and so now i just need to sketch it out. so stoked. then i'll just make my standard dream dress, and if i ever end up competing latin, we'll figure it out.

whilst i was eating my pizza and typing away, i forgot i had taken out the ice cream to soften and it got a little bit melty. so now i will be having a mint chocolate chip shake, rather than the bowl of ice cream i intended. oh well. ice cream is ice cream. i think i could probably live off of it, no lie. jackie, why don't you work at coldstone anymore? because i could really do a coffee lovers only right now for half off. geez bananas.

oh i went to the post office to get my passport in order today, and i now fully comprehend the phrase 'GOING POSTAL'. the guy at the passport office was such a grouch i wanted to ask him what he was thinking when he signed up for a job that required him to be personable. believe me, if the next passport office wasn't clear the heck out in orem, i would have gone somewhere else, because the guy pissed me off that bad. he was a psycho. bah. people.

people in general just make me want to harm something sometimes. is that too harsh? should i PG that up? i mean.....sometimes i just want them to shut up. my favorite is stupid customers at sears. gosh i love my job. mostly because i'm a creep and love to people watch. ask bennett. but they'll ask questions that are so stupid. or get really defensive when i ask them questions. it's like, look lady, this is my job. and i'm just trying to do you a favor and save you some money. i ask everyone the same questions, don't take it personally, i'm not just 'trying to ruin your day', despite the fact that i think your attitude is bigger than your hair. (believe it or not i've actually said that to someone. i have a small temper) i need to remember that there are the thoughts that i think, and the thoughts that i say. and sometimes i confuse which is which. which could possibly be detrimental to my life.

ugh. robert pattinson is on jay leno right now. he's so gross. seriously, edward has a hairy chest? did we learn NOTHING from the books, twilight directors. geez. i would sit through a six hour movie of a book just to see it done to a t. mostly HARRY POTTER. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i stalk fandango every day just to see if tickets for deathly hallows are on sale yet. and yes, i am one of the nerds that goes at three in the afternoon to wait for a midnight movie, clad in gryffindor gold and maroon with my wand, hatin' on the slytherins. there's just something about loving a book so much and getting into it that makes me feel positively giddy. i love love it. speaking of which, i need to pay my library fines, because i'm in dire need of new material to read. i keep re-reading HP and my books need a break. pages are falling out and whatnot.

argh......and the stupid song my one true love by the decemberists just came on, and it's all 'mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?' :[ and the answer is NO. the postman does not have any mail from me, not even junk mail. and especially not mail from MEXICO, you silly girl. how dare you think you would be getting mail. argh. only five months. really? i mean, really? that's a little ridiculous. during that time i've done SO much, and i feel like it's got to be at least twice that. hmph. i'm so impatient. and james leaves pretty soon, and the cycle just continues. although when he leaves i won't have to worry about pictures that have been altered so i look four hundred pounds heavier showing up unannounced on my facebook page. gah. that boy will pay dearly for those some day.

my hair needs to grow NOW. i completely regret cutting it. bah. and now i look like a boy and just want to walk around with a bag over my head becaue i feel positively dreadful. people say it's not that bad. i think they're all lying, because i truly hate it. i've cried over this haircut so much. and maybe i am being melodramatic. personally, i don't care, because i'm the one who has to deal with it! argh. i keep trying to think positive, but it's so hard. it just needs to grow out now.....boo......

just realized that i've been talking about basically nothing for like, half an hour. to myself, mostly. that's healthy, right? i surely hope so. maybe i should leave myself a little memo of things i need to remember to do this weekend:

dear meliosa,
remember you have work tomorrow night.
also remember to wash your pants.
make heather's bracelet.
and britt wants you to go to colorado.
you should probably blog.
and remember to do your sit ups, you out of shape has been.
sincerely, meliosa

Jackie.

Current Stats.

currently, i am the following:

-sitting outside baby girl's classroom while she learns the joys of math.

-avoiding most people who look at me.

-really nervous to find out about tryouts [even though i have been assured i will
make it]

-missing alaska.

-happy that i've made some new friends!

-regretting eating that much french toast at magelby's...

-loving the fact i have a laptop

-feeling lonesome without jackie to talk to

-craving peanut butter

-rethinking the fact that i hate running, because i need to tone and fast.

-wondering where my $50 gift certificate to danceworks is, because i have to
buy dance clothes stat.

-hoping for mail, even though it's too soon for mexico.

-staring at the blank wall in front of me...

-kicking myself for leaving my phone charger at home. gah.

-wishing college turns out to be semi-affordable.

aaand that's me. for the moment.

What's in a Name?

"what's in a name? that which we call a rose

by any other name would smell as sweet."

--shakespeare's romeo and juliet

yeah, i'm a total cheeser for shakespeare. and yet, this question puzzles me.

what IS in a name?

more specifically, my name.

my name originally wasn't supposed to be melissa.

it was supposed to be emma.

seriously?

emma?

that was the plan, according to my mother.

we can all thank my father for naming me melissa.

the moment i was born, he just looked at me and said- her name's melissa.

sweet and simple.

the definition of my name tells me that it's greek for honeybee.

possibly that accounts for my sarcastic 'sting', if you will.

or maybe it means that secretly deep down somewhere,

i'm a huge softie.

riiiiiiight.

but if we're going to question names, then we should do the same for nicknames.

and i surely have a lot of those.

some of those, however, are easier to explain.

smiley

a nickname given to me by my family, since i was small.

you may or may not believe it, but i was what you'd like to call a "total ham"

i was always smiling.

i told someone this, and they asked me

"are you sure it wasn't because of miley cyrus??"

....

are you kidding me?

she wasn't even born yet people. wake up.

melis

other variations include melis-dawg or melis-like diddy

my middle school nicknames.

ahh....those were some good days.

my name was usually always followed by a shortened version of a sentence

courtesy of porter, kit, mitch, trent or hansen

my favorites being:

"hey melis can i borrow a piece of papes?"

or

"melis-dawg can i have some skits?"

usually in spanish class.

we can thank bryttan for melis-like diddy.

one word, one person.

brilliant.

meliosa

"it's melioooosa, not meliosaaaa."

the most popular and widely known by far.

thanks to adam shelton sophomore year,

a typo was made on the audition list for

the ballroom company at my high school.

"meliosa?" was called

and no one stepped forward.

"melissa?" responded jeanne angrily,

looking at adam.

and from then on, all my new coaches knew me as was

meliosa.

they couldn't help but call me it

and so it stuck.

unfortunately, many people think this is actually my real name.

i think i broke a few freshmen hearts when they heard someone call me

melissa...

but this, undoubtedly is my favorite nickname.

however accidental it may have been, i love it.

gus

[pronounced 'goose']

variations include gus gus, goose, and gus.*

*[pronounced 'gus']

this one's tricky.

i'll have to diagram it out.

meliosa became me gusta,

during wayne's spanish phase

and soon became me gusta queso.

espanol for 'i like cheese.'

clever, since it sounds relatively close to my actual name.

and actually, i do like cheese.

me gusta queso shortened to just gus

[pronounced 'goose']

because that's how we roll in spanish.

heather began to call me gus gus

[pronounced 'goose goose']

leading to confusion, we were reminded of cinderella and the mice

jack and gus gus

[pronounced 'gus gus']

the inseperable duo were the best of friends;

this lead to me calling jensen jackie,

the female version of jack.

it's quite an evolution of sorts, you could say.

all thanks to adam shelton.

so what does this leave me with?

what is in a name?

my name?

this what i've decided.

i have multiple names, but they all add up to the same thing:

one

brunette

girl

eighteen

average

and

insane.

and oddly enough, that's good enough for me.